I don't think I am in the best mental state right now. Things are so damn messed up, I don't know why I bother feeling any more.
We made up again. We talked. We talked about ourselves, about the here and now.
You proposed.
Now, that one knocked me for six...
One of the happiest days I should experience was tainted. Flawed.
We have not known each other long. There is currently a 2,000 mile distance between us. And yet you would give up your entire life for me? Someone you hardly know? You would love me - your wife - forever and a day, no catch? We'd have a perfect little family?
I needed more time. Pure and simple. I could not commit to you in that way yet. I needed proof that it could actually work first - you have no idea how turbulent the past few months have been for me.
I tried to explain my reasons for not accepting straight away. (Apart from the fact I'd like to be asked in person.) You hung up again.
It seems that because of this we may never talk again.
On the outside, I feel numb. Emotionless. Devoid of feeling that I can show, bar the odd fake smile at work.
On the inside, there is war. I love you. I hate you. I could have it all. I may have missed my chance. How could anyone love me? Have trust and hope given up? I am sick of trying. Sick of apologies. Why should I feel pressured? I miss you.
I am going to find myself in the wreckage of this damaging relationship.
I will find myself someone who can show some respect. Someone who wants the inner me as much as the trophy.
I just hope he is looking for me too.
