Bottling up

09 July 2010 - 6:06 p.m.

I am not coping very well mentally. Anxiety, or stress, apparently.

I have lost weight for no reason, I am not sleeping, my period was late, my pulse is quick and I have constant butterflies. And no, I am not pregnant, for anybody wondering.

Anxiety. Yes. I think that is apt. And I blame Him for getting under my skin. If he hadn't, I would have no worries - life would be as it was. Steady and reliable.

But now, all of these thoughts stir into life. How do I tell my family and keep them from being disappointed in me? How will He react when I tell him that dispite my best efforts, August is not happening. Will I be okay in September? How do I just pack up my whole existence here? Who do I trust enough to look after Rosie? My PS collection? My wings?? Can I be happy there? Can I leave my garden behind? How will I learn the language? How will I cope with my family and my wonderful friends so far away? Is He The One? Can I trust Him with my heart?

Will I be happy?

If I go, there is no coming back, so every tiny detail is knotting into secret anguish. I just want to be in His arms right now, and to hear that everything will be okay.

Wait, go back a bit! - Onward ho!

E 's hugs


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