Why do I put myself through all of this?
Not sleeping. Look paler than normal. No appetite.
I am so stressed out and having to keep it all inside. It is killing me. All I want to do is spill everything to everyone I am afraid of. Not afraid of them, per se, but their reactions. Their disappointment. Resentment. Doubt.
I am sat in the same room as my mother at this moment, and I just want to cry. She works in a school, and treats us with less understanding than the people she liases with.
I confirmed that I would be returning to The Country for 2 weeks in September, as I had planned. The disappointment and disgust was apparent in her response.
"Oh. You're not going are you?"
"Yes mum. You know I've been planning it for weeks."
"Do you actually know anyone else going?? You must."
"Yes, I know at least 6 other people going back the same time." The truth.
"Oh. Well, why? What for?"
"For a holiday. Why else?" I replied, grinning. All I wanted to say was the whole truth - I am smitten with someone of the opposite sex and am returning to see him, catch up with friends, and see if I could survive in the country whilst distributing my CV to anyone who will take one. Yes, I may be leaving you, and oh, would you mind helping me understand these visa forms please?
I doubt very much that she would have accepted that as an answer though. Then again, it is highly unlikely she ever will.
I sent S a message saying I will know tomorrow where I will stay. That looks highly unlikely now because of transport issues, holiday traffic and my race. I hope he will understand, truely, as it is not my fault. I do ont know if he will, or if he will doubt my intentions instead. I worry. I miss him.
On to another night of unrest.
