The title of this entry is from a song playing on the tv, but sums up how I feel.
I am once again living a double life inside my own head.
One part of me has been looking in jewellery shop windows, looking for the perfect engagement ring. Hoping for the perfect future. Hoping he means certain things he has said - and prepared to push to find out. Wishing, wanting, needing... Love and longing, hope and happiness...
The other side of me is wary. Justified or not, I don't know, but it has listened to the horror stories. Memories keep going back to the woman she met, running from a violent husband. No possessions, no money, no way out of the country, just the clothes on her back and her 18-month-old baby, sleeping on the beach before moving on. I do not want to be her in a few years time, and am scared that it is even a possibility. Scepticism that he really cares about me. Is it me he wants, or is it just the children I can provide? Doubt, shame, self-pity, remorse, fear.
