I wonder why I try so hard just to go 2 steps back.
What is wrong with me? Did I really fuck that many off in a past life?! Why can't I just be happy? All I want is to be happy. To be appreciated, loved, not taken for granted, regardless. Does that make me sound desperate? Do I care? I'm not sure of anything right now. I'm lonely though, I know that much.
The past few days have been lousy. Or at least, I have. To whomever gave me this stinking cold, thanks so much. I hate you, truly. My already limited holiday time wasted.
I wandered this town for hours yesterday, trying to clear my head, and really just to get out. My autism is preventing me from doing anything by myself much, never mind the illness. For over an hour of my afternoon outside, I tried to shake off a stalker. For the first time here, I got scared. I lost him eventually, so holed myself up in the apartment after that.
With nowhere really to go and nobody to talk to except the scum or the cheap, drunk tourists, I am going stir crazy.
Why couldn't I be a bubblehead who didn't know how to think. If I could chop off my head, I'd be doing myself a favour. Both because of the physical pain and the ugly thoughts. I can't stop either.
With a face full of mosquito bites, rain lashing down outside, I sit here alone watching American tv and want to cry. Need to. Maybe I will, get it out of my system for an hour or two.
