I have come to realise why the twisting in my stomach is present.
If things play out how they potentially may do, there will have been 3 1/2 wasted years, 1 pointless engagement, 2 lost paths to walk along (one of which I kind of wish I had trodden), so much expense I could have saved both financially and emotionally, a hundred opportunities missed, a whole future changed...
I am hoping that it doesn't play out that way. The biggest investment has been my heart, and I don't know if it could recover.
Still, even if the worst DOES happen, I will always have a plan B. I will always have the people around me who care and the support I would need to carry on. Freedom. A lot to look forward to, and so much to be thankful for.
I just don't want to look back if it does and keep seeing what I could have done, what I should have done, people I can't get back, the life I had planned to live, the way my children would have looked... That endless list of choices and consequences.
I want to look back and say "screw you hindsight! I'm doing just fine!"
