I wish I would settle.
I still have constant butterflies, although my stomach has settled.
There is the pang of disappointment. For not being able to go. For letting them (him) down. For living where I do. For my job and the limits imposed because of that and my general financial situation. For the boundaries. Even for being a shit cook.
I was getting excited at the prospect of meeting family. Of being with him again, to comfort through this hard time. To spontaneously get up and go.
The fates put pay to the trip, which makes me feel guilty too.
I need to talk to him again. Put my mind at rest again for a while. I do miss him, feel for him. All I get to do for now is love him from afar.
