I took a massive step backwards yesterday.
I feel so lost, even though I know the path I must take.
I still love the ex, to the very bottom of my heart, and yet am trying to forge a new way forwards.
I have to talk to Gray, but I also need to end it once and for all with S.
It almost happened last night - S and I had a very lovely conversation but had overtones of sadness. That feeling has torn open the wound for different reasons, and bleeds from my heart to my eyes.
On to today and I have picked the dress for the black tie do (yes, the babydoll - it's actually quite smart and not as short as I remember!) and bought myself a paddleboard. I have hidden the rolled up board, pump et al in the wardrobe so my mum does not catch sight of it, except the paddle which just about fits under the bed. I can always make space if I ever need to! Panic helps.
I had a text message from my tour manager friend saying to get in touch if I was free this Saturday. They desperately need someone to lead a trek/project team going out to Nepal. I'd LOVE to, but I can't because of work (and Gray). The way she's made us fritter our annual leave angers me so much, and sadly I now only have 2 days left until April, which will get used to see about joining the travel company, seeing as Nepal is out...
Now to consume shedloads of unhealthy stuff to aid consoling my broken self, and revel in the clean house and new tidy brows and lashes.
(Consoling myself would probably come a little easier with a hug and/or slap round the face and if the farms happened to NOT be sprinkling shit on the fields before it rains...)
