Facing the truth

05 January 2016 - 11:36 a.m.

After my amazingly insanely wonderful post yesterday, there is this.

It is darker than the average, but it is what I need to purge from my system. Don't feel you have to read it - this is another thing I am doing for me. Another step to living my life fully again.

The toughest thing I have ever had to do has got the ball rolling to putting the past behind me...

I went to the doctor and it didn't go as I'd envisaged, but it worked nonetheless. I forced the words out that I had been holding back all this time, and now it is out there. My shameful, years-old secret that I can live with no more.

As I sat down, she asked me what she could do. Naturally, first came the emotion, as was NOT supposed to happen but I couldn't help it. The outpouring of tears along with a bit of my damaged soul and a bucket of hurt. I apologised as she stared at me in respectful silence whilst I found it in me to vocalise the evil I have never uttered to another soul including myself. Never spoken; never written; until today.

It felt horrible.
Unnatural.
Dishonourable.

I was scared. Of judgement, doubt and scepticism, but received none of it. Not that there was much comfort either, but she was nice.

The words only needed to be out there once in order for things to move forwards, and I have a few numbers to call.

The words "I was raped" are surprisingly powerful.

I now have an appointment at the hospital next week (as I couldn't face tomorrow!), for peace of mind and to draw a line more than anything. The other number I am having trouble with - a support charity. Just because I relive the ordeals (yes, plural) in my head every day, I am not sure I want to tell someone every little detail about what happened to me. From the feeling of pure, sickening violation, to the memory of cowering in the shower watching my own blood mix with the stream of water as it disappeared down the plughole - it is all somewhat hard to face... I know that I must be able to face it in order to find peace though.

Will I find it in me to tell those around me? I'm not sure. I think I need to tell Gray, so he understands why I react the way I do sometimes. It is because of him that this is happening now. I trust him implicitly, but it is a personal strength thing... I need to let down barriers, and I will - I just need to do them gradually lest I buckle under the flood. My family? Probably not. For everyone's sakes.

Still, Step One is done and dusted. On to Step Two.

Wait, go back a bit! - Onward ho!

E 's hugs


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