Sorry for being absent so much!! I am still here. Surviving.
The past few months have been like the few before that: shit.
I have depression and it is making me spew hatred and tears every damned day. I can't find the trigger, or find a release. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was so fucking emo, and I HATE IT!! My mother thinks the whole idea of me having depression is complete bullshit. Compassion at its best.
The past is starting to rear its ugly head again and at my lowest I wondered what the point in me was any more. What it ever was. Not actually to the point of making it all stop permanently by any means, but I thought about it.
I have done so many awesome things through the emotional bombing raids.
I saw the Distant Worlds orchestra again, which rocked. Live orchestra, choir and guest vocals. Stunning!
I had another meet with the trekking crowd and we raised £60k for the hospice between us!!
I saw MUSE play live again with Pale Waves and Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine) as support acts this time. I still love MUSE, and wish I could let them know one day that they literally saved my life once. Incredible how a few words can break so many chains and change the fate of a stranger...
I became an aunty once more to another girl, born not quite 2 weeks ago, weighing 9lb 1oz... My sister did good!! The other sister is due again in October, making 4 nieces by the end of the year!
Meanwhile, I am still in limbo with G. He gets me, I mean actually GETS me, and yet there has been nothing sexual in 2 years now... I mean, nothing... I don't want to start over again but quite frankly I am gagging to get laid...
I am being pestered by a handsome Tunisian for a date. I am half tempted to say yes. I would be more inclined to say yes if I thought we had a future and if he didn't persistently text me at 6am, and if it wouldn't make me more of a bitch than I feel I am already... Plus he has short fingers and they freak me out in a weird way.
I need to change my life. Seriously. I hate my job but there is nothing else out there. I have been hunting for around a year but am steadily slipping into debt without the faintest clue how to move the fuck on from that place. I was so positive that 2019 was going to be The Year, and yet year for ehat I am not sure yet. I have another half a year to figure that out I guess before having to change the digit. And my life. And my whole freaking outlook.
