Yesterday, for New Year, I spread hurt and sadness throughout the land.
My relationship finally broke down and in turn broke both myself and my best friend.
I don't know how to be. I don't know how to go on.
I just kicked out my mental crutch and sacked my physical therapist. In a lot of ways, my soulmate. The only person who understands me and one of the only people actively in my life.
I already miss our dynamic. Everywhere I look stirs up memories of times, places, things we had hoped to do. Things he will do one day, without me. Remnants of happy times and a future unwritten.
I didn't realise quite how much he had pervaded every aspect of my life.
I had greatly underestimated how much this would hurt.
But it was right. He deserves better than a leach like me. The future he offered to me should go to someone who can love him in the way that he loves them.
All I can do is grieve. And hurt like I hurt him.
He won't stick around long. He will move away. Maybe emigrate to Canada as he always considered. I will be left, struggling and alone in my solitary existence.
He asked me where he saw myself in 10 years, and all I could think was alone. Here. Dying in my job. Unhappy.
To be fair, after this, I may have been right. It is definitely not far off the mark right now.
How do I reconcile what I have done? The guilt? The unstoppable, maddening, all consuming sadness?
