Self loathing

26 March 2021 - 1:20 p.m.

Having a day of feeling shit about myself today.

The man I have fallen for a little bit has been distant the past couple weeks, which makes me worry about that side of things. I know lockdown is long and wearing, that work happens, game team happens, drama happens, real life stuff happens, but that goes both ways and am starting to feel that maybe he has second thoughts.. I know he has a lot on his plate at the moment but I have gone from feeling giddy to feeling forgotten.

The raid team have given 2 of us the option to level another class entirely as we don't have a melêe, with a time frame of 2 weeks to level the class and learn rotations. I volunteered to save face and make an awkward 'will the raid team stay together' meeting go away. I then have to relearn the savage fight we were doing and am pretty sure we will wipe to phase 2 mechanics... I got it levelled to max in 5 days but a few are impatient about getting back to do the fight already when I don't even know what buttons to be pressing, let alone be competent enough to put out the damage... I feel under pressure to get good, and fast, or the raid team will be no more. I feel I am letting the side down and may even offer to drop. I count them as friends, some more than others, but if it isn't going to be fun any more, I will be forced to quit.

I have a cluttered house. I hate my job and never want to go back, but there are no jobs nearby that will pay me enough to survive on my own. Mentally I am not doing so good, but my parents think I am just being dramatic if I mention things like my depression and fail to recognise that it exists. "Don't be ridiculous" comes out a lot if it comes up.

I just feel very alone and hate myself. I know it will pass, but today you cannot convince me that I anything but worthless.

Wait, go back a bit! - Onward ho!

E 's hugs


My profile Current blog What has come before Leave me a note Skyefire's diary Graagh's diary Read other diaries Recommend to a friend Mmmm... brains... Get your own fun, free diary!

I feel Flibble