I am sick of feeling like I am worthless. Of being told I am not good enough. Of bullying and put downs. Of myself.
I hurt. Literally. My chronic pain is flaring and nobody gives a single fuck. My spinal curve is getting worse at an alarming rate and nobody gives a fuck.
People are breaking the regulations surrounding Covid, and nobody gives a fuck except me. Even my boss is a giant cockwomble about it all.
I feel forgotten by my friends. By the boy. One track focus and I am sure as heck not it. I am the friendly mascot, relegated to the sidelines because I am not worthy to play with the other kids. I doubt I will have any authority of any kind, as always. I feel a little hurt, not going to lie; left out of discussions, forgotten. I know they say they want to find a way to make it work, but I have literally heard everything second hand so far after things have already been decided with me cut out of the frame.
Meanwhile, my piece of shit, abusive, rapist ex wants me back... He sent me a message and I felt sick. I have never told a single person what he did all those years. What others did, too. A lot of my behaviours and walls are still as a result and I cannot break that cycle. For the love of everything holy, I want to be able to...
I almost broke down yesterday as my 4 year old niece was calling me names... For fucks sake...
I fucking hate who I am anyway. I hate that I am afraid. I hate that I can't control my emotions. My pain. That I am stuck in a dead end job with no way out that doesn't involve changing who I am and moving from the place I call home. What would I like to even do? My dreams have been stepped on like panes of glass over the years, and I can't even tell any more.
I hate that I can't find words succinctly or when required, without biting and/or making myself look bad. When they actually matter.
I just need out. Out of my life.
Not in that way, I couldn't... But I am just so tired of fighting myself.
I am unhappy
