We passed the Solstice already...

23 June 2021 - 7:42 p.m.

Okay... So... It has been a interesting 6 weeks or so... I am so sorry for anyone I worried upon reading my past entries - big love to you!

I got dumped by the man I was considering moving my life for. He is an amazing person, and is making waves in the realm of biomedical science, but he is narrow minded, selfish, elitist and very short-sighted. It took the breakup to get me to step back and actually see the ugly side of him.

In turn, however, it got me to realise that the way I was feeling - paranoia, anxiety, severe depression, suicidal thoughts were connected to medication. I came off of them with immediate effect and have felt so, so much better in myself!! Okay, so I am still shit at pain management and putting my own needs first, but the depression and anxiety is less, the paranoia and suicidal thoughts have ceased. The difference one little tablet can make is horrifying... I still can't get over the fact that it made me a monster in someone else's eyes. That he didn't want to stick around despite knowing that it wasnt me just reflects upon him... If he doesn't want to be a shoulder to lean on ever, he is going to end up lonely. A relationship is about communication. Sharing. Comfort. Support. Caring. Understanding.

I got put on a waiting list for physiotherapy after crying to a doctor and seeing a neurologist. The neurologist says I have indeed got a spinal kink, and I have lost range of movement in my upper limbs as well as have frontal hearing loss in my right ear. I got put on a 6 week waiting list for physio, and have my initial (video) appontment in August. Hopefully a start to finally ridding myself of the chronic pain that has plagued me for so many years now.

Work is still shit. I still haven't managed to escape yet... We now have 6 staff to run the place 7 days a week, and we are already pulling in summer money. Sure, we close earlier, but the days are wholly stressful. People don't actually give a single, solitary shit that we are still in the midst of a pandemic and working solo. People are dying around here and i feel all I do is shout at people to keep social distanced, to not sit at a table until it is cleared and sanitised, to please not take someone else's menu, to wear a fucking mask and properly - this isn't new and is still regulation!! I mean, how the actual fuck people still do not get it is beyond me... Especially stressful because I have no protection from them and their antics...

I have my 2nd Covid vaccination in August.

A friend who had his first jab the day after I did just collapsed and it is the virus... Luckily he is doing okay, as I know many who have not been so fortunate... Hopefully in a few weeks we can meet up in person! He is one of the few people to keep me sane through the whole pandemic and the crazy gamers are actually uniting for the first time ever! It is kinda painful as it has cost me a few weeks rent to get tickets to travel, but it may be the only time I ever go to Liverpool and what better reason is there than friendship? I mean, it may be awkward in places as my ex will also be there... Yes, the guy who dumped me over my medication side effects... Also, I am older than everybody by a number of years... But we will all likely be drunk and having fun and party games (we are staying at people's houses within the parameters of the regulations) and congregating outside in the fresh air where we can.

They may not recognise me from our video calls, as I just had my first hair cut in 2 years... It is now in a bob, and tomorrow it is returning to my usual blue... I am kinda tempted to keep it natural, but fuck it. The more people tell me I shouldn't, the more I need to do it. More as a glorious 'fuck you' to those people... It was once a symbol of my freedom, and thus it rises again!

Ooh, I also booked in a consultation with a tattooist I like that isn't a million miles away!! The nature family piece is a go - he reckons full sleeve - and will start at the end of the year when he starts working on clients again! I just need to send him some references and a photo of my skinny arm and see what he can do...

Wait, go back a bit! - Onward ho!

E 's hugs

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