As I write this, the sky has turned a curious shade of spring green.
The bats and moths have left their shelters to go out into the cooling air.
I sit here, contemplating the pressures of my current situation. Centred here but pulled in all directions.
I still don't know what to do today, and as night fast approaches once more, uncertainty, unrest and dread force their way to the pit of my stomach refusing to be ignored.
I need to make some serious decisions, but need guidance.
My heart longs for what it longs for. To be loved by someone completely, totally and utterly to the core. The heart says that maybe, just maybe, He is the one to take a chance on.
My head tells me to stop being so stupid. Gullible, naive, and being taken for a ride. Far too risky! Especially a million miles from home. No family or friends to pull you through. Nowhere to immerse in nature you relate to, or be creative like here.
I want him. He wants me. We miss each other so badly.
If his country were less... intimidating..? I would be over there like a shot.
Can I go back so soon? I want to. But my fear of... well, everything but travelling in particular.... is holding me back. Finances too are stretched farther than I was hoping.
Gah! I hate it! Why can't he just come here?? :((( I NEED him to come here. To see what I would be giving up for him if nothing else. To meet the family. To see where I come from, and what it means to me. How very much my soul resides in the fabric of my part of the world... And therefore how much I love him, want him, need him to consider giving it all up.
In conclusion, still at square one. And longing for square two...
